Form of memory

From the beginning of life, our brains are able to respond to experience by altering the connections among neurons, the basic building blocks of the brain. These connections constitute the structure of the brain, and are believed to be a powerful way in which the brain comes to remember experience. Brain structure shapes brain function. In turn, brain function creates the mind. Although genetic information also determines fundamental aspects of brain anatomy, our experiences are what create the unique connections and model the basic structure of each individual's brain. In this manner, our experiences directly shape the structure of the brain and thus create the mind that define who we are.

...... The two major ways connections are made are the two forms of memory: implicit and explicit. Implicit memory results in the creation of the particular circuits of the brain that are responsible for generating emotions, behavioral responses, perception, and probably the encoding of bodily sensations. Implicit memory is a form of early nonverbal memory that is present at birth and continues throughout the life span. Another important aspect of implicit memory is something called mental models. Through mental models our minds create generalizations of repeated experiences. ...... Our attachment relationships affect how we see others and how we see ourselves. Through repeated experiences with our attachment figures, our mind creates models that affect our view of both others and ourselves. ...... these models create a filter that patterns the way we channel our perceptions and construct our responses to the world. Through these filtering models we develop characteristics ways of seeing and being.

The fascinating feature of implicit memory is that when it is retrieved it lacks an internal sensation that something is being "recalled" and the individual is not even aware that this internal experience is being generated from something from the past. Thus, emotions, behaviors, bodily sensations, perceptual interpretations, and the bias of particular non conscious mental models may influence our present experience (both perception and behavior) without our having any realization that we are being shaped by the past. What is particularly amazing is that our brains can encode implicit memory without the route of conscious attention. This means the we can encode elements into simplicity memory without ever needing to consciously attain to them. 

The prefrontal cortex is extremely important for a wide range of processes, including autobiographical memory, self-awareness, response flexibility, hindsight, midnight, and the regulation of emotions. These are the very processes that are shaped by attachment. The development of the prefrontal cortex appears to be profoundly influenced by interpersonal experiences. This is why our early relationships have such a significant impact on our lives. However, this important integrating part of the brain many also continue to develop throughout the life span, so we continue to have the possibility for growth and change.

Our automatic adaptations to these earlier experiences then become "who we are" and our life story becomes written for us, not by us. ...... When unresolved issues are writing our life story, we are not our own autobiographers; we are merely recorders of how the past continues, often without our awareness, to intrude upon our present experience and shape our future directions. ...... We often try to control our children's feelings and behavior when actually it is our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.

Parenting from inside out

The best predictor of a child's security of attachment to a caregiver is the way that adult has made sense of his or her own childhood experience.

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Making sense of your life is the best gift you can give your child, or yourself.

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Secure attachment is but one piece of a large developmental puzzle that includes many factors that influence how our children grow into their adolescent and adult years.

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Attachment is one factor we, as parents, can influence directly in our children's lives because of this crucial inside-out idea: it isn't what happened to you in your childhood that is the critical factor --- it is how you make sense of how those experiences have influenced your life.

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Your child will thrive, your interpersonal relationships will prosper, and even your relationship with yourself will blossom and become filled with more self-compassion.

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Contrary to what many people believe, your early experiences do not determine your fate. If you had a difficult childhood but have come to make sense of those experiences, you are not bound to re-create the same negative interactions with your own children. Without such self-understanding, however, science has shown that history will likely repeat itself, as negative patterns of family interactions are passed down through the generations.

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When we become parents we are given an incredible opportunity to grow as individuals.

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Understanding how we remember and how we construct a picture of ourselves as a part of the world we live in can help us to make sense of how the past continues to impact our lives. ...... Having knowledge about the science of development and human experience can prepare your mind to build a deeper understanding of the emotional lives of your children and you yourself.

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Being mindful. When we are being fully present as parents, when we are mindful, it enables our children to fully experience themselves in the moment. Children learn about themselves by the way we communicate with them. When we are preoccupied with the past or worried about the future, we are physically present with our children but are mentally absent. Children don't need us to be fully available all the time, but they do need our presence during connecting interactions. With intention, you purposefully choose your behavior with your child's emotional well-being in mind. Children can readily detect intention and thrive when there is purposeful interaction with their parents. It is within our children's emotional connections with us that they develop a deeper sense of themselves and a capacity for relating.

Lifelong learning. The connections among neurons determines how mental processes are created. Experience shapes neural connections in the brain. Therefore, experience shapes the mind.

Response Flexibility. Response flexibility is the ability of the mind to sort through a wide variety of mental processes, such as impulses, ideas, and feelings, and come up with a thoughtful, nonautomatic response.

Under certain conditions, response flexibility may be impaired. When tired, hungry, frustrated, disappointed, or angered, we can lose the ability to be reflective and become limited in our capacity to choose our behaviors. We may be swept up in our own emotions and lose perspective. At these times, we can no longer think clearly and are at high risk of overreacting and causing distress to our children.

Children challenge us to remain flexible and to maintain emotional equilibrium. It can be difficult to balance flexibility with the importance of structure in a child's life. Parents can learn how to achieve this balance and nurture flexibility in their children by modeling flexible responses in their own interactions. When we are flexible, we have a choice about what behaviors to enact and what parental approach and values to support. We have the ability to be proactive and not just reactive. Response flexibility enables us to contain a wide array of emotions and to think through how we will response after we consider another's point of view. When parents have the ability to response with flexibility to their children, it is more likely that their children will develop flexibility as well.

Mindsight. Parents often respond to their child's behavior by focusing on the surface level fo the experience and not on the deeper level of the mind. ....... Parents who focus on the level of mind with their children nurture the development of emotional understanding and compassion. talking with children about their thoughts, memories, feelings provides them with the essential interpersonal experiences necessary for self-understanding and building their social skills.

Being sensitive to nonverbal communication helps us to better understand our children and allows us to consider their point of view and to relate with compassion.

Joyful living. Enjoy your child and sharing in the awe of discovering what it means to be alive, to be a person in a wondrous world, is crucial for the development of your child's positive sense of self. ..... Remembering and reflecting on the experiences of day-to-day life creates a deep sense of feeling connected and understood.

Children need to be enjoyed and valued, not managed. We often focus on the problems of life rather than on the possibilities for enjoyment and learning available to us. When we are too busy doing things for our children, we forget how important it is to simply be with them.

When we become parents, we often see ourselves as our children's teachers, but we soon discover that our children are our teachers as well.

Connection is the key

Your child has a unique and wondrous mind. But to function well, her developing mind needs a sense of close connection with you as surely as she needs food, shelter, cleanliness, and sleep.

When your child feels close to you, her brain forms the neural pathways that allow her to learn, remember, and think. ...... In a nutshell, feeling closely connected helps your child build intelligence, and it helps her use the intelligence she already has.

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When your child feels connected and protected, her limbic system can do a very important job: it can coordinate communication between all parts of her brain. It opens access to her prefrontal cortex, so the reasoning center of her mind can hum.

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When your child feels connected, she'll laugh as she slips and slides on roller skates for the first time. She'll persist, although it's not easy. When her need for connection is met, your child is a learner.

And as her sense of connection with you grows strong, she'll be able to carry it into her classroom, outside where the neighborhood kids play, and off to sleep-away camp, and keep right on learning and having fun.

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When your child's sense of connection with you or her caregiver breaks, she feels hurt immediately.

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Life is full of occasions that breaks a child's sense of connection, hurt her feelings, stop her thinking, and send her off track. Fortunately, your child was born with a sturdy emotional repair process. The feelings that have been stirred up in her need an avenue out, and she needs to feel your caring once again. Only one act will grant her permission to let her feelings out and convey that you really care: listening. Yes, listening can heal the hurt.

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We don't know exactly how crying, tantrums, trembling, perspiring, and laughter relive the emotional tension in a child's mind. The insight that these activities are normal, and part of an inborn healing process, is relatively new. Though we don't know how it works, we do know that it works. Whatever the neurons in her mind are doing, a crying child will regain her ability to think if she has a warm listener. And over time, situations that are difficult for her will become less so. As you listen to her feelings, you'll see your child change and grow. Her off-track behavior will become less frequent. She'll also become better at letting you know what she needs before she feels desperate.

Your child can't heal from hurt all by herself. Remember, she's first and foremost a social being, and your are her rock, her anchor. She needs your help to shake off the effects of hurt. So pour in your willingness to connect, while she ours out the feelings that prevent her from solving problems and having fun.

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Crying and tantrums are not throwaway behaviors! Your child does the smartest thing possible when she enters a meltdown. She's blasting away emotional tension, in the effort to sink again. And while she's crying, you have a direct line into her aching heart. Now is your moment! What you do when she's upset has ten times the love value of a cuddle or a pat on the back when times are good. She's longing for your help, even if she tells you, "Go away! I don't like you!" If you can listen to her feelings and offer your warmth, she'll be a very different person when she's done.

家园

千山万水走过只为这一片，自由的天地自由的家园。漂泊者的家到底在哪一边，回首故乡遥远，抬头前路依旧茫然。纵然只有倒下才是终点，我只有未来没有从前。

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这是《闯关东》的片尾曲，与我心有戚戚焉。《北京人在纽约》的片头曲歌词比《家园》差很多，但是最后一句却直击心灵，我已经变的不再是我，可是你却依然是你。

默读（1）

一双肉眼生于额下，平视或是仰视的时候，常常觉得自己看见的是人。俯视的时候，则常常觉得自己看见的是动物、是牲口——那些没权没势的、随波逐流的、挣扎求生的、老弱病残的，大多属于此类。