Your child has a unique and wondrous mind. But to function well, her developing mind needs a sense of close connection with you as surely as she needs food, shelter, cleanliness, and sleep.
When your child feels close to you, her brain forms the neural pathways that allow her to learn, remember, and think. ...... In a nutshell, feeling closely connected helps your child build intelligence, and it helps her use the intelligence she already has.
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When your child feels connected and protected, her limbic system can do a very important job: it can coordinate communication between all parts of her brain. It opens access to her prefrontal cortex, so the reasoning center of her mind can hum.
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When your child feels connected, she'll laugh as she slips and slides on roller skates for the first time. She'll persist, although it's not easy. When her need for connection is met, your child is a learner.
And as her sense of connection with you grows strong, she'll be able to carry it into her classroom, outside where the neighborhood kids play, and off to sleep-away camp, and keep right on learning and having fun.
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When your child's sense of connection with you or her caregiver breaks, she feels hurt immediately.
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Life is full of occasions that breaks a child's sense of connection, hurt her feelings, stop her thinking, and send her off track. Fortunately, your child was born with a sturdy emotional repair process. The feelings that have been stirred up in her need an avenue out, and she needs to feel your caring once again. Only one act will grant her permission to let her feelings out and convey that you really care: listening. Yes, listening can heal the hurt.
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We don't know exactly how crying, tantrums, trembling, perspiring, and laughter relive the emotional tension in a child's mind. The insight that these activities are normal, and part of an inborn healing process, is relatively new. Though we don't know how it works, we do know that it works. Whatever the neurons in her mind are doing, a crying child will regain her ability to think if she has a warm listener. And over time, situations that are difficult for her will become less so. As you listen to her feelings, you'll see your child change and grow. Her off-track behavior will become less frequent. She'll also become better at letting you know what she needs before she feels desperate.
Your child can't heal from hurt all by herself. Remember, she's first and foremost a social being, and your are her rock, her anchor. She needs your help to shake off the effects of hurt. So pour in your willingness to connect, while she ours out the feelings that prevent her from solving problems and having fun.
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Crying and tantrums are not throwaway behaviors! Your child does the smartest thing possible when she enters a meltdown. She's blasting away emotional tension, in the effort to sink again. And while she's crying, you have a direct line into her aching heart. Now is your moment! What you do when she's upset has ten times the love value of a cuddle or a pat on the back when times are good. She's longing for your help, even if she tells you, "Go away! I don't like you!" If you can listen to her feelings and offer your warmth, she'll be a very different person when she's done.
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