Born a crime (4)

In Germany, no child finishes high school wihtout learning about the holocaust. Not just the facts of it, but the how and the why and the gravity of it --- what it means. As a result, Germans grow up appropriately aware and apologetic. British schools treat colonialism the same way, to an extent. Their children are taught the history of the empire with a kind of disclaimer haning over the whole thing. "Well, that was shameful, now wasn't it?"

读到这一段的时候我想起我刚到英国的一件事。我工作的学校和大英博物馆比邻。刚到伦敦的时候我几乎每天午饭之后都去大英博物馆溜达一圈，从我的办公室走到大英博物馆的后门只有不到三分钟。第一次开group meeting的时候，每个人分享最近在做的工作。我刚到，还什么都没开始，所以就讲我到英国之后的日常，有哪些新鲜感受。说到经常去大英博物馆，非常impressed，而且这么好的博物馆居然是免费的时候，大头问我，“你看到那么多全世界的宝贝都运到英国来，你不觉得愤怒吗？”我当时真的呆住了，不知道怎么回答。然后大头自己说，“大英博物馆当然应该是免费的，里面的东西都是我们的祖先从别人那里偷来的、抢来的，没有还给人家就已经不对了，怎么还能收钱呢？我们只是负责保存而已。”

这个大头是个特别温和的小老头，典型的英国绅士。他这么说的时候我真的很惊讶，我当时想英国人有过日不落帝国的历史不是纯粹的幸运，这个民族有值得骄傲的原因。这件事给我的印象特别深刻。

我没有接触过很多德国人，对德国人的反思没什么真正的认识。但是跟英国人比，美国人对历史的反思真是差的远得很。中国人对自己历史的反思也远远不够。

Born a crime (3)

We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. But regret is the thing we should fear most. Failure is an answer. Rejection is an answer. Regret is an eternal question you will never have the answer to.

找打的说，我的regret很少。我觉得我还挺有勇气争取、尝试、选择自己想做的事情的。只要做过了，哪怕失败了，甚至受伤了，也不后悔。这大概是我少有的值得对自己欣慰的地方之一。

Born a crime (2)

I was everywhere with everybody, and at the same time I was all by myself.

看到这里好难过。

Born a crime (1)

The genius of apartheid was convincing people who were the overwhelming majority to turn on each other. Apart hate, is what it was. You separate people into groups and make them hate one another so you can urn them all.

At the time, black South Africans outnumbered white South Africans nearly five to one, yet we were divided into different tribes with different languages: Zulu, Xhosa, Tswana, Sotho, Venda, Ndebele, Tsonga, Pedi, and more. Long before apartheid existed these tribal factions clashed and warred with one another. Then white rule used that animosity to divide and conquer. All nonwhites were systematically classified into various groups and subgroups. Then these groups were given differing levels of rights and privileges in order to keep them at odds.

……

That's what apartheid did: it convinced every group that it was because of the other race that they ddin't get inot the club. It's basically the bouncer at the door telling  you, "we can't let you in because of your friend Darren and his ugly shoes." So you look at Darren and say, "Screw you, Balck Darren. You're holding me back." Then when Darren goes up, the bouncer says, "No, it's actually your friend Sizwe and his weird hair." So Darren says, "Screw you, Sizwe," and now everyone hates everyone. But the truth is that none of you were ever getting into that club.

Form of memory

From the beginning of life, our brains are able to respond to experience by altering the connections among neurons, the basic building blocks of the brain. These connections constitute the structure of the brain, and are believed to be a powerful way in which the brain comes to remember experience. Brain structure shapes brain function. In turn, brain function creates the mind. Although genetic information also determines fundamental aspects of brain anatomy, our experiences are what create the unique connections and model the basic structure of each individual's brain. In this manner, our experiences directly shape the structure of the brain and thus create the mind that define who we are.

...... The two major ways connections are made are the two forms of memory: implicit and explicit. Implicit memory results in the creation of the particular circuits of the brain that are responsible for generating emotions, behavioral responses, perception, and probably the encoding of bodily sensations. Implicit memory is a form of early nonverbal memory that is present at birth and continues throughout the life span. Another important aspect of implicit memory is something called mental models. Through mental models our minds create generalizations of repeated experiences. ...... Our attachment relationships affect how we see others and how we see ourselves. Through repeated experiences with our attachment figures, our mind creates models that affect our view of both others and ourselves. ...... these models create a filter that patterns the way we channel our perceptions and construct our responses to the world. Through these filtering models we develop characteristics ways of seeing and being.

The fascinating feature of implicit memory is that when it is retrieved it lacks an internal sensation that something is being "recalled" and the individual is not even aware that this internal experience is being generated from something from the past. Thus, emotions, behaviors, bodily sensations, perceptual interpretations, and the bias of particular non conscious mental models may influence our present experience (both perception and behavior) without our having any realization that we are being shaped by the past. What is particularly amazing is that our brains can encode implicit memory without the route of conscious attention. This means the we can encode elements into simplicity memory without ever needing to consciously attain to them. 

The prefrontal cortex is extremely important for a wide range of processes, including autobiographical memory, self-awareness, response flexibility, hindsight, midnight, and the regulation of emotions. These are the very processes that are shaped by attachment. The development of the prefrontal cortex appears to be profoundly influenced by interpersonal experiences. This is why our early relationships have such a significant impact on our lives. However, this important integrating part of the brain many also continue to develop throughout the life span, so we continue to have the possibility for growth and change.

Our automatic adaptations to these earlier experiences then become "who we are" and our life story becomes written for us, not by us. ...... When unresolved issues are writing our life story, we are not our own autobiographers; we are merely recorders of how the past continues, often without our awareness, to intrude upon our present experience and shape our future directions. ...... We often try to control our children's feelings and behavior when actually it is our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.