In Germany, no child finishes high school wihtout learning about the holocaust. Not just the facts of it, but the how and the why and the gravity of it --- what it means. As a result, Germans grow up appropriately aware and apologetic. British schools treat colonialism the same way, to an extent. Their children are taught the history of the empire with a kind of disclaimer haning over the whole thing. "Well, that was shameful, now wasn't it?"
读到这一段的时候我想起我刚到英国的一件事。我工作的学校和大英博物馆比邻。刚到伦敦的时候我几乎每天午饭之后都去大英博物馆溜达一圈，从我的办公室走到大英博物馆的后门只有不到三分钟。第一次开group meeting的时候，每个人分享最近在做的工作。我刚到，还什么都没开始，所以就讲我到英国之后的日常，有哪些新鲜感受。说到经常去大英博物馆，非常impressed，而且这么好的博物馆居然是免费的时候，大头问我，“你看到那么多全世界的宝贝都运到英国来，你不觉得愤怒吗？”我当时真的呆住了，不知道怎么回答。然后大头自己说，“大英博物馆当然应该是免费的，里面的东西都是我们的祖先从别人那里偷来的、抢来的，没有还给人家就已经不对了，怎么还能收钱呢？我们只是负责保存而已。”
这个大头是个特别温和的小老头，典型的英国绅士。他这么说的时候我真的很惊讶，我当时想英国人有过日不落帝国的历史不是纯粹的幸运，这个民族有值得骄傲的原因。这件事给我的印象特别深刻。
我没有接触过很多德国人，对德国人的反思没什么真正的认识。但是跟英国人比，美国人对历史的反思真是差的远得很。中国人对自己历史的反思也远远不够。
2020年6月27日星期六
Born a crime (3)
We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. But regret is the thing we should fear most. Failure is an answer. Rejection is an answer. Regret is an eternal question you will never have the answer to.
找打的说，我的regret很少。我觉得我还挺有勇气争取、尝试、选择自己想做的事情的。只要做过了，哪怕失败了，甚至受伤了，也不后悔。这大概是我少有的值得对自己欣慰的地方之一。
找打的说，我的regret很少。我觉得我还挺有勇气争取、尝试、选择自己想做的事情的。只要做过了，哪怕失败了，甚至受伤了，也不后悔。这大概是我少有的值得对自己欣慰的地方之一。
Born a crime (2)
I was everywhere with everybody, and at the same time I was all by myself.
看到这里好难过。
看到这里好难过。
Born a crime (1)
The genius of apartheid was convincing people who were the overwhelming majority to turn on each other. Apart hate, is what it was. You separate people into groups and make them hate one another so you can urn them all.
At the time, black South Africans outnumbered white South Africans nearly five to one, yet we were divided into different tribes with different languages: Zulu, Xhosa, Tswana, Sotho, Venda, Ndebele, Tsonga, Pedi, and more. Long before apartheid existed these tribal factions clashed and warred with one another. Then white rule used that animosity to divide and conquer. All nonwhites were systematically classified into various groups and subgroups. Then these groups were given differing levels of rights and privileges in order to keep them at odds.
……
That's what apartheid did: it convinced every group that it was because of the other race that they ddin't get inot the club. It's basically the bouncer at the door telling you, "we can't let you in because of your friend Darren and his ugly shoes." So you look at Darren and say, "Screw you, Balck Darren. You're holding me back." Then when Darren goes up, the bouncer says, "No, it's actually your friend Sizwe and his weird hair." So Darren says, "Screw you, Sizwe," and now everyone hates everyone. But the truth is that none of you were ever getting into that club.
At the time, black South Africans outnumbered white South Africans nearly five to one, yet we were divided into different tribes with different languages: Zulu, Xhosa, Tswana, Sotho, Venda, Ndebele, Tsonga, Pedi, and more. Long before apartheid existed these tribal factions clashed and warred with one another. Then white rule used that animosity to divide and conquer. All nonwhites were systematically classified into various groups and subgroups. Then these groups were given differing levels of rights and privileges in order to keep them at odds.
……
That's what apartheid did: it convinced every group that it was because of the other race that they ddin't get inot the club. It's basically the bouncer at the door telling you, "we can't let you in because of your friend Darren and his ugly shoes." So you look at Darren and say, "Screw you, Balck Darren. You're holding me back." Then when Darren goes up, the bouncer says, "No, it's actually your friend Sizwe and his weird hair." So Darren says, "Screw you, Sizwe," and now everyone hates everyone. But the truth is that none of you were ever getting into that club.
2020年6月23日星期二
Form of memory
From the beginning of life, our brains are able to respond to experience by altering the connections among neurons, the basic building blocks of the brain. These connections constitute the structure of the brain, and are believed to be a powerful way in which the brain comes to remember experience. Brain structure shapes brain function. In turn, brain function creates the mind. Although genetic information also determines fundamental aspects of brain anatomy, our experiences are what create the unique connections and model the basic structure of each individual's brain. In this manner, our experiences directly shape the structure of the brain and thus create the mind that define who we are.
...... The two major ways connections are made are the two forms of memory: implicit and explicit. Implicit memory results in the creation of the particular circuits of the brain that are responsible for generating emotions, behavioral responses, perception, and probably the encoding of bodily sensations. Implicit memory is a form of early nonverbal memory that is present at birth and continues throughout the life span. Another important aspect of implicit memory is something called mental models. Through mental models our minds create generalizations of repeated experiences. ...... Our attachment relationships affect how we see others and how we see ourselves. Through repeated experiences with our attachment figures, our mind creates models that affect our view of both others and ourselves. ...... these models create a filter that patterns the way we channel our perceptions and construct our responses to the world. Through these filtering models we develop characteristics ways of seeing and being.
The fascinating feature of implicit memory is that when it is retrieved it lacks an internal sensation that something is being "recalled" and the individual is not even aware that this internal experience is being generated from something from the past. Thus, emotions, behaviors, bodily sensations, perceptual interpretations, and the bias of particular non conscious mental models may influence our present experience (both perception and behavior) without our having any realization that we are being shaped by the past. What is particularly amazing is that our brains can encode implicit memory without the route of conscious attention. This means the we can encode elements into simplicity memory without ever needing to consciously attain to them.
The prefrontal cortex is extremely important for a wide range of processes, including autobiographical memory, self-awareness, response flexibility, hindsight, midnight, and the regulation of emotions. These are the very processes that are shaped by attachment. The development of the prefrontal cortex appears to be profoundly influenced by interpersonal experiences. This is why our early relationships have such a significant impact on our lives. However, this important integrating part of the brain many also continue to develop throughout the life span, so we continue to have the possibility for growth and change.
...... The two major ways connections are made are the two forms of memory: implicit and explicit. Implicit memory results in the creation of the particular circuits of the brain that are responsible for generating emotions, behavioral responses, perception, and probably the encoding of bodily sensations. Implicit memory is a form of early nonverbal memory that is present at birth and continues throughout the life span. Another important aspect of implicit memory is something called mental models. Through mental models our minds create generalizations of repeated experiences. ...... Our attachment relationships affect how we see others and how we see ourselves. Through repeated experiences with our attachment figures, our mind creates models that affect our view of both others and ourselves. ...... these models create a filter that patterns the way we channel our perceptions and construct our responses to the world. Through these filtering models we develop characteristics ways of seeing and being.
The fascinating feature of implicit memory is that when it is retrieved it lacks an internal sensation that something is being "recalled" and the individual is not even aware that this internal experience is being generated from something from the past. Thus, emotions, behaviors, bodily sensations, perceptual interpretations, and the bias of particular non conscious mental models may influence our present experience (both perception and behavior) without our having any realization that we are being shaped by the past. What is particularly amazing is that our brains can encode implicit memory without the route of conscious attention. This means the we can encode elements into simplicity memory without ever needing to consciously attain to them.
The prefrontal cortex is extremely important for a wide range of processes, including autobiographical memory, self-awareness, response flexibility, hindsight, midnight, and the regulation of emotions. These are the very processes that are shaped by attachment. The development of the prefrontal cortex appears to be profoundly influenced by interpersonal experiences. This is why our early relationships have such a significant impact on our lives. However, this important integrating part of the brain many also continue to develop throughout the life span, so we continue to have the possibility for growth and change.
Our automatic adaptations to these earlier experiences then become "who we are" and our life story becomes written for us, not by us. ...... When unresolved issues are writing our life story, we are not our own autobiographers; we are merely recorders of how the past continues, often without our awareness, to intrude upon our present experience and shape our future directions. ...... We often try to control our children's feelings and behavior when actually it is our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.
Parenting from inside out
The best predictor of a child's security of attachment to a caregiver is the way that adult has made sense of his or her own childhood experience.
......
Making sense of your life is the best gift you can give your child, or yourself.
......
Secure attachment is but one piece of a large developmental puzzle that includes many factors that influence how our children grow into their adolescent and adult years.
......
Attachment is one factor we, as parents, can influence directly in our children's lives because of this crucial inside-out idea: it isn't what happened to you in your childhood that is the critical factor --- it is how you make sense of how those experiences have influenced your life.
......
Your child will thrive, your interpersonal relationships will prosper, and even your relationship with yourself will blossom and become filled with more self-compassion.
......
Contrary to what many people believe, your early experiences do not determine your fate. If you had a difficult childhood but have come to make sense of those experiences, you are not bound to re-create the same negative interactions with your own children. Without such self-understanding, however, science has shown that history will likely repeat itself, as negative patterns of family interactions are passed down through the generations.
......
When we become parents we are given an incredible opportunity to grow as individuals.
......
Understanding how we remember and how we construct a picture of ourselves as a part of the world we live in can help us to make sense of how the past continues to impact our lives. ...... Having knowledge about the science of development and human experience can prepare your mind to build a deeper understanding of the emotional lives of your children and you yourself.
......
Being mindful. When we are being fully present as parents, when we are mindful, it enables our children to fully experience themselves in the moment. Children learn about themselves by the way we communicate with them. When we are preoccupied with the past or worried about the future, we are physically present with our children but are mentally absent. Children don't need us to be fully available all the time, but they do need our presence during connecting interactions. With intention, you purposefully choose your behavior with your child's emotional well-being in mind. Children can readily detect intention and thrive when there is purposeful interaction with their parents. It is within our children's emotional connections with us that they develop a deeper sense of themselves and a capacity for relating.
Lifelong learning. The connections among neurons determines how mental processes are created. Experience shapes neural connections in the brain. Therefore, experience shapes the mind.
Response Flexibility. Response flexibility is the ability of the mind to sort through a wide variety of mental processes, such as impulses, ideas, and feelings, and come up with a thoughtful, nonautomatic response.
Under certain conditions, response flexibility may be impaired. When tired, hungry, frustrated, disappointed, or angered, we can lose the ability to be reflective and become limited in our capacity to choose our behaviors. We may be swept up in our own emotions and lose perspective. At these times, we can no longer think clearly and are at high risk of overreacting and causing distress to our children.
Children challenge us to remain flexible and to maintain emotional equilibrium. It can be difficult to balance flexibility with the importance of structure in a child's life. Parents can learn how to achieve this balance and nurture flexibility in their children by modeling flexible responses in their own interactions. When we are flexible, we have a choice about what behaviors to enact and what parental approach and values to support. We have the ability to be proactive and not just reactive. Response flexibility enables us to contain a wide array of emotions and to think through how we will response after we consider another's point of view. When parents have the ability to response with flexibility to their children, it is more likely that their children will develop flexibility as well.
Mindsight. Parents often respond to their child's behavior by focusing on the surface level fo the experience and not on the deeper level of the mind. ....... Parents who focus on the level of mind with their children nurture the development of emotional understanding and compassion. talking with children about their thoughts, memories, feelings provides them with the essential interpersonal experiences necessary for self-understanding and building their social skills.
Being sensitive to nonverbal communication helps us to better understand our children and allows us to consider their point of view and to relate with compassion.
Joyful living. Enjoy your child and sharing in the awe of discovering what it means to be alive, to be a person in a wondrous world, is crucial for the development of your child's positive sense of self. ..... Remembering and reflecting on the experiences of day-to-day life creates a deep sense of feeling connected and understood.
Children need to be enjoyed and valued, not managed. We often focus on the problems of life rather than on the possibilities for enjoyment and learning available to us. When we are too busy doing things for our children, we forget how important it is to simply be with them.
When we become parents, we often see ourselves as our children's teachers, but we soon discover that our children are our teachers as well.
......
Making sense of your life is the best gift you can give your child, or yourself.
......
Secure attachment is but one piece of a large developmental puzzle that includes many factors that influence how our children grow into their adolescent and adult years.
......
Attachment is one factor we, as parents, can influence directly in our children's lives because of this crucial inside-out idea: it isn't what happened to you in your childhood that is the critical factor --- it is how you make sense of how those experiences have influenced your life.
......
Your child will thrive, your interpersonal relationships will prosper, and even your relationship with yourself will blossom and become filled with more self-compassion.
......
Contrary to what many people believe, your early experiences do not determine your fate. If you had a difficult childhood but have come to make sense of those experiences, you are not bound to re-create the same negative interactions with your own children. Without such self-understanding, however, science has shown that history will likely repeat itself, as negative patterns of family interactions are passed down through the generations.
......
When we become parents we are given an incredible opportunity to grow as individuals.
......
Understanding how we remember and how we construct a picture of ourselves as a part of the world we live in can help us to make sense of how the past continues to impact our lives. ...... Having knowledge about the science of development and human experience can prepare your mind to build a deeper understanding of the emotional lives of your children and you yourself.
......
Being mindful. When we are being fully present as parents, when we are mindful, it enables our children to fully experience themselves in the moment. Children learn about themselves by the way we communicate with them. When we are preoccupied with the past or worried about the future, we are physically present with our children but are mentally absent. Children don't need us to be fully available all the time, but they do need our presence during connecting interactions. With intention, you purposefully choose your behavior with your child's emotional well-being in mind. Children can readily detect intention and thrive when there is purposeful interaction with their parents. It is within our children's emotional connections with us that they develop a deeper sense of themselves and a capacity for relating.
Lifelong learning. The connections among neurons determines how mental processes are created. Experience shapes neural connections in the brain. Therefore, experience shapes the mind.
Response Flexibility. Response flexibility is the ability of the mind to sort through a wide variety of mental processes, such as impulses, ideas, and feelings, and come up with a thoughtful, nonautomatic response.
Under certain conditions, response flexibility may be impaired. When tired, hungry, frustrated, disappointed, or angered, we can lose the ability to be reflective and become limited in our capacity to choose our behaviors. We may be swept up in our own emotions and lose perspective. At these times, we can no longer think clearly and are at high risk of overreacting and causing distress to our children.
Children challenge us to remain flexible and to maintain emotional equilibrium. It can be difficult to balance flexibility with the importance of structure in a child's life. Parents can learn how to achieve this balance and nurture flexibility in their children by modeling flexible responses in their own interactions. When we are flexible, we have a choice about what behaviors to enact and what parental approach and values to support. We have the ability to be proactive and not just reactive. Response flexibility enables us to contain a wide array of emotions and to think through how we will response after we consider another's point of view. When parents have the ability to response with flexibility to their children, it is more likely that their children will develop flexibility as well.
Mindsight. Parents often respond to their child's behavior by focusing on the surface level fo the experience and not on the deeper level of the mind. ....... Parents who focus on the level of mind with their children nurture the development of emotional understanding and compassion. talking with children about their thoughts, memories, feelings provides them with the essential interpersonal experiences necessary for self-understanding and building their social skills.
Being sensitive to nonverbal communication helps us to better understand our children and allows us to consider their point of view and to relate with compassion.
Joyful living. Enjoy your child and sharing in the awe of discovering what it means to be alive, to be a person in a wondrous world, is crucial for the development of your child's positive sense of self. ..... Remembering and reflecting on the experiences of day-to-day life creates a deep sense of feeling connected and understood.
Children need to be enjoyed and valued, not managed. We often focus on the problems of life rather than on the possibilities for enjoyment and learning available to us. When we are too busy doing things for our children, we forget how important it is to simply be with them.
When we become parents, we often see ourselves as our children's teachers, but we soon discover that our children are our teachers as well.
Connection is the key
Your child has a unique and wondrous mind. But to function well, her developing mind needs a sense of close connection with you as surely as she needs food, shelter, cleanliness, and sleep.
When your child feels close to you, her brain forms the neural pathways that allow her to learn, remember, and think. ...... In a nutshell, feeling closely connected helps your child build intelligence, and it helps her use the intelligence she already has.
......
When your child feels connected and protected, her limbic system can do a very important job: it can coordinate communication between all parts of her brain. It opens access to her prefrontal cortex, so the reasoning center of her mind can hum.
......
When your child feels connected, she'll laugh as she slips and slides on roller skates for the first time. She'll persist, although it's not easy. When her need for connection is met, your child is a learner.
And as her sense of connection with you grows strong, she'll be able to carry it into her classroom, outside where the neighborhood kids play, and off to sleep-away camp, and keep right on learning and having fun.
......
When your child's sense of connection with you or her caregiver breaks, she feels hurt immediately.
......
Life is full of occasions that breaks a child's sense of connection, hurt her feelings, stop her thinking, and send her off track. Fortunately, your child was born with a sturdy emotional repair process. The feelings that have been stirred up in her need an avenue out, and she needs to feel your caring once again. Only one act will grant her permission to let her feelings out and convey that you really care: listening. Yes, listening can heal the hurt.
......
We don't know exactly how crying, tantrums, trembling, perspiring, and laughter relive the emotional tension in a child's mind. The insight that these activities are normal, and part of an inborn healing process, is relatively new. Though we don't know how it works, we do know that it works. Whatever the neurons in her mind are doing, a crying child will regain her ability to think if she has a warm listener. And over time, situations that are difficult for her will become less so. As you listen to her feelings, you'll see your child change and grow. Her off-track behavior will become less frequent. She'll also become better at letting you know what she needs before she feels desperate.
Your child can't heal from hurt all by herself. Remember, she's first and foremost a social being, and your are her rock, her anchor. She needs your help to shake off the effects of hurt. So pour in your willingness to connect, while she ours out the feelings that prevent her from solving problems and having fun.
......
Crying and tantrums are not throwaway behaviors! Your child does the smartest thing possible when she enters a meltdown. She's blasting away emotional tension, in the effort to sink again. And while she's crying, you have a direct line into her aching heart. Now is your moment! What you do when she's upset has ten times the love value of a cuddle or a pat on the back when times are good. She's longing for your help, even if she tells you, "Go away! I don't like you!" If you can listen to her feelings and offer your warmth, she'll be a very different person when she's done.
When your child feels close to you, her brain forms the neural pathways that allow her to learn, remember, and think. ...... In a nutshell, feeling closely connected helps your child build intelligence, and it helps her use the intelligence she already has.
......
When your child feels connected and protected, her limbic system can do a very important job: it can coordinate communication between all parts of her brain. It opens access to her prefrontal cortex, so the reasoning center of her mind can hum.
......
When your child feels connected, she'll laugh as she slips and slides on roller skates for the first time. She'll persist, although it's not easy. When her need for connection is met, your child is a learner.
And as her sense of connection with you grows strong, she'll be able to carry it into her classroom, outside where the neighborhood kids play, and off to sleep-away camp, and keep right on learning and having fun.
......
When your child's sense of connection with you or her caregiver breaks, she feels hurt immediately.
......
Life is full of occasions that breaks a child's sense of connection, hurt her feelings, stop her thinking, and send her off track. Fortunately, your child was born with a sturdy emotional repair process. The feelings that have been stirred up in her need an avenue out, and she needs to feel your caring once again. Only one act will grant her permission to let her feelings out and convey that you really care: listening. Yes, listening can heal the hurt.
......
We don't know exactly how crying, tantrums, trembling, perspiring, and laughter relive the emotional tension in a child's mind. The insight that these activities are normal, and part of an inborn healing process, is relatively new. Though we don't know how it works, we do know that it works. Whatever the neurons in her mind are doing, a crying child will regain her ability to think if she has a warm listener. And over time, situations that are difficult for her will become less so. As you listen to her feelings, you'll see your child change and grow. Her off-track behavior will become less frequent. She'll also become better at letting you know what she needs before she feels desperate.
Your child can't heal from hurt all by herself. Remember, she's first and foremost a social being, and your are her rock, her anchor. She needs your help to shake off the effects of hurt. So pour in your willingness to connect, while she ours out the feelings that prevent her from solving problems and having fun.
......
Crying and tantrums are not throwaway behaviors! Your child does the smartest thing possible when she enters a meltdown. She's blasting away emotional tension, in the effort to sink again. And while she's crying, you have a direct line into her aching heart. Now is your moment! What you do when she's upset has ten times the love value of a cuddle or a pat on the back when times are good. She's longing for your help, even if she tells you, "Go away! I don't like you!" If you can listen to her feelings and offer your warmth, she'll be a very different person when she's done.
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